Well....well.... kids. Let's see. Things just keep getting more and more puzzling up on this mountain. 13 and I had a little falling out..... at least I think that's what's happening. The last time I talked to her was three days ago.... I guess falling out is the only thing I can call it, but only for lack of a better term. We always had this kind of shaky, weird, stand off, thing going. She was never ready for a relationship.... and I guess I was... am. I guess I started getting to close, and I guess it's something she had no interest in. Fuck. This sucks. I tried my best to not apply pressure, but I know now I failed. Miserably. At least that's what it feeling like tonight. I fell in love with her...... and I have a big problem trying to keep that kind of thing... well... hidden. I never told her. Not because I didn't want to, but because I know she didn't want to hear it. People who have been hurt..... have a lot of fear and suspicion to deal with. I know of what I speak. Once again. This fucking sucks. I guess she needs time. I have no problem with that. But I can't keep setting myself up like this. It hurts too much. When you lose trust in someone.... it gets very, very difficult to get any kind of a relationship growing. I think we've both violated the shit out of each others trust. I've walked these paths before. It wasn't too cool back then, and it sure as hell is a bitch today.

You know what the worst part is. All this mental bullshit... it all goes away the second I hear her voice. (big sigh.... head slumped in my hands) Fuck. I'm sick. Run ladies. Stay away. Danger. This one is off the deep end. Emotional nightmare coming thru. I've had women flirt with me over the last couple days, and I just do the whole smile... laugh... make a joke thing, but in the back of my mind I just think... are you crazy? You have no idea how fucked this guy is. I had a pair ask me to come out and hit the bars with them on Saturday... another trio was eye fucking me , including the whole blowing kisses at me thing. And I wasn't even trying. I was upset. Lonely. Sad. And they loved it. I was an unapproachable dick... and they fucking ate it up like candy. I'll never figure this shit out. If I'm a dick, they love me. If I fall in love with them, they hate me. You know, I never give a shit about lines, so I don't care when I cross them... I just hate never knowing the name of the game.

Well... enough of this morose shit. I'm going to Vegas on Saturday for a four day trip. Me, Justin, Terri, Tommy boy, Kelly. My birthday was on the 28th of Dec, and Tommy boys was last Friday, so were going to celebrate turning 30. Ughhhggg. That still sticks in the back of my throat. But It's going to be fun. My folks are going to get a place on four corners, so we can all be in the same place. Lot less herding that way. I'm planning on hooking up with some friends I haven't seen in awhile. Amazing how things tend to come up... when you least expect them.

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