Wow. What a crazy fucking life. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll just go on blast with whatever flow. First off... things are busy. Way busy. But I don't feel like it's a good busy. I've been having to do art in almost all my free time. Which is awesome. I love doing it. It's my life. My passion. But the problem is that it drains me. I actually feel wore down from it. Clair and I went to the park today, which was great, and she convinced me to bring my sketch book along. We ended up sitting under a tree just relaxing. I stared to just let my hand go, and it occurred to me that it was the first time in a long time that I had my hand flowing just because it could. I didn't do anything in particular... just free flowing gobs of graphite and ink... with a hint of highlighter. I don't think the art I'm having to produce is really allowing me to release my true emotions in the cathartic way that I long for. I feel like everything I am is turning. Fermenting if you will. Like a'm a big sewage drain and I've been clogged. The person I've been is not who I am, and who I am is not who I want to be. My shoulders feel heavy and my whole being feels compressed and jagged. Stress just wraps me like a blanket now and there's no way I can see getting it off. I'm tired. Tired of it all. I haven't stayed up with the people I love the most. I find myself looking around and not even being able to see. Well... that's a little bit of an overstatement. I see. But all I see is different scenarios playing out in my mind. What if I say this. What if I do that. Where's the money coming from? Where does it have to go. How can I get more of it, so I can stop having this blanket wrapped around me.
I believe now wha you're reading is what happens when creativity, pressure, exhaustion, sadness, anger, joy, and passion do not get released onto a sketchbook. Weird. I'm not really sure where this is all going. I just feel like it's going. As I write this my vision still get fuzz with whats to be done. Flashes of the tattoos I must do tomorrow. What's my girl doing locked in our room. When will my motorcycle get the work done that is required. Do I need to do art for anyone. I need to get piggy food. Do I want a cigarette? I missed a patch of hair on my leg. My cell phone sucks. I need a new one. I need to get gloves before my first appointment tomorrow. Shit. I have to pay rent in the morning. That means I have to get up early. But I want to stay up late so I can try and play some World Of Warcraft so I can turn off my brain for a min. But I need sleep. Hmmm... it's 1030... should I take my sleeping pills. Sleep is good.... but we rented a movie. The second half of Tinman. I wanna see that. Maybe I could shut off my brain if I watch that. Why is my girl still in the bedroom. I don't think she likes me sometimes. I don't think she likes my family sometimes. I wonder if what I write will me misconstrued and taken out of context and used against me. This is time I could be doing something to make money, or talking to the long list of people I meant to call back. They keep calling. I want the time to call back. I just can't get to the right point. I can't get myself ready to do it. I need to be somewhere safe. Where I can't be judged. Where I can't be interrupted. Where I can't be.... myself. I don't like this. It just keeps going. I wonder how I can stop. Maybe I just top typing.... hmm. Maybe. My girl came out. I better apologize. I'm so up tight and moody. I can't blame her for being mad at me. I'd be mad too. I say dumb things sometimes. I'm inconsiderate. Maybe I'll have that smoke. Maybe I can just stop...... maybe.
(10 min ) Nope. No good. This is like being on acid. I have seven different conversations going on in my head at the same time. I keep looking at the key board and seeing flashes of an angry girlfriend.... and dragon arm piece... a pissed off clients face wondering why there tattoo pics arn't posted up on my web site. For fucks sake people it called a digital camera. Get one. It's not expensive. Why are things like this. Where did it all start sliding this direction. Is this what life is. Over coming one challenge just to have a bigger one put in front of you. I'm starting to piss myself off with this whiny little bitch thing that I'm doing. But If I close up... then what do I do. Just keep shaking the mike bottle til it turns into dirty fermented cheese? And to what end? Come to think of it I really don't know what that means. “To what end”. I just like the way it sounds. I heard it said once in a movie called “Chasing Amy”.... I think it was the context that it was used. To what end. I wonder if that is going to be me?

Oh yeah.... we got a kitty. Her name is Nihm.... Or Nim-a-way... or something along those lines. It's only been a couple days and I need clair-a-fication. She's so cute it hurts. I just wanna nibble on her little paws. I love that girl.

I think I'm going to start blogging more. I need to.