Well... as it turns out I'm still fucking crazy. It's one of the strangest feelings I've ever known. I was fucking spinning.... and I mean spinning for the last couple days. I got back from Vegas... and everything was just wrong. I don't know what the hell happened. I remember feeling that tension build up... and it was only realived at two points. One right before I left and once just before I came back. Both instances were due to contact with people who are very close to me.... but I digress. So I'm driving down the road.... 16 different thoughts running thru my head all at once. Something had been said... or done.... and I just got madder, and madder. Now without going into details... I found my old friends: rage jealously, torment and pain.... right back in front of my face. All staring at me like I owe em money. And it was over nothing.... or at least I know it was now.... come to think of it I knew then. I actually stopped myself..... took a jump outside of the situation.... and came back to the conclusion that I'm fucking crazy. My logic doesn't make any sense sometimes. I couldn't control it. I think god that no body was around. I mean it scared the hell out of me.... and of course what was the can of gasoline that I, somewhere deep down, decided to throw on the fire..... "If you're this fucked up... how in the hell can you possibly have a woman in your life who could love you? You can't. If you truly love someone, how could you put them through living with you". Talk about kicking yourself when your down. I'm fucked up. Of course, it's at those moments when I step back... look at myself... and just scream.... "what the fuck are you doing?!?!?!" And then the other half of me answers "Speaking the truth.... shut the fuck up!" Then... just do really spin myself... I'll think about the women in my life..... all of them.... truly extraordinary. Amazing. I'm watching all of them grow in such ways... I can only call them inspiring. All of them are at different stages in life.
One... a new mother.... strong yet fragile.... pure poetry defined. I never felt lost and found at the same time until I nearly collapsed in her arms. Laughter that explains the question "why am I here".... and a smile that makes the Las Vegas strip seem dark and mournful. Another.... a sister..... If beauty was personified it would bare her name.... The only one where a romantic relationship was never an option... and I've never been happier about it. She's found her wings... and she's soaring high. I couldn't be more proud. Yet another.... our branches grew together for a moment.... brief and amazing. Up's and down's as big at the mountains that house us... but now... friends... confidants. Her head spins like mine... but she's much stronger. I believe in her and know that where ever she decides to grow.... she will succeed. The last.... new.... fresh.... open and loving. A soul that a cold world hasn't broken. A breath of river air. Struggling like a newborn trying to find the muscles that will one day carry it into the unknown. Quick to give love... without question.
And it's these women.... who I love.... who are my inspiration.... my muse.... my reason to trudge thru the hard days.... and push myself harder then I ever had.... who I go to bed with and wake up to.... It's these women that I just want to scream to "Get away from me! I'm fucking crazy! Run! Don't think! Run!" It's like somewhere in me I know I'd do anything for them. I mean mama could call me right now.... 2 AM... and say "I need you here".... and I'd be there in the morning. I'd take a bullet for sister. I give one for my confidant. But I don't want them to be close enough for me to be able to hurt them. How fucked is that? "I want to protect you from everything... including me" God.... I'm fucking nuts.... and I'm not sure how to work thru it. I thought I was past this shit...... fuck. Guess that was just wishful thinking. Maybe tomorrow will be different.

Sleep easy my beautiful angels of mercy..... Watcher is watching....... always

(c) Come N Thru Productions