Did you ever have one of those days.... when.... maybe... just maybe... being alone would feel better than being in a relationship. It's just crazy. It's never the big things that pile up on you. Well... sometimes it is I guess, but not for me. Not tonight. 13 and I have been doing this little dance for a couple weeks now. Specifics are really unimportant, just know that it sucks... sometimes. I had been almost resigned to the fact that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I was comfortable with it. Did it hurt to think about... oh fuck yeah. But I took comfort in the thought that I had once felt love. It was the greatest feeling in the world... while it lasted. I always told myself "Yeah. You're going to be alone from here on in. Some people end up alone. It's the way the world spins. Hell, at least you knew it once. Some people never get that. You selfish prick. Be happy with what you got. loneliness is a feeling. You'll get over it."

That was my thought process. And I guess it still is to some degree. And it wasn't like I gave up trying. I was always flirting, hitting on, or just plain putting my heart on the line. 99% of the time I was met with rejection... sometimes my heart was returned to me in what could only be described as hamburger. But I picked it up.... processed my grief... and moved on. A little more slowly. A little more wary. A little colder. A little Harder. So when this thing with 13 started... I was of course expecting the worst. "You know how this ends. Pain is inevitable. Anger. Fear. No good can come of this."

I hate my fucking mind sometimes. Spinning and spinning and spinning. But for a time... I was able to push it all down. "Maybe this will work. Why not? Even a broken clock has the right time two times during the day. Certainly if a ball is pitched at you enough times, you'll have to hit a home run eventually. Right?" I can honestly say... at this moment.... I don't even want to play the game. Love can heal... and it can kill. You know, it's amazing. This world has taught me that not only does this moment exist.... but it exists throughout life. I wrote before about all the "bullshit" being worth it for those few, brief moments in life where heaven on earth is a reality.... and I still believe it. I'm fully aware that this feeling could go away with a kiss, hug, phone call letter... and this whole thing is just me feeling sorry for myself. I know this. It is a certainty. But yet.... it doesn't take away where my head and heart are right now.

And of course by right now I mean sitting in a tattoo shop at 1:54 AM. I guess I just need to get this shit out. Justin said I should just post my mind for a stronger mental health. I hope it works. I told 13 the other night, that sometimes I just want to grab her by the shoulders and tell her "Run. Get away from me as fast as you can. I'm fucked up in the head. I cause nothing but pain. You're not strong enough to handle me. Run." I'm starting to think she took it to heart..... Urrrghhhhh. Like I said.... just me sitting my own shit. I actually look back at what I've written and it makes me cringe. Fuck it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I do have hope. It's been great deal bigger in the past few weeks, but I figure if I can keep one tiny flame away from the cold wind.... then maybe..... just maybe.....someday.....

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