So I got this phone call a couple days ago. This woman who I'm friends with let me in on a little secret she been hanging onto. Not only did she get married, but also is four months pregnant. Okay.. I'm going to try and not censor myself because I know some of the people I'm going to talk about are reading this. Anyways, I used to have a crush on her. It was always one of those another place, another time kind of things. I thought I was cool, but of course being the self centered, insecure, sensitive, paradox of walking contradiction that I am.... I started thinking. Mistake. Nothing helps a shakey self confidence concering the opposite sex like a total apprasil of your love life. Uggggg. My love life... is... ummmm.... non existant... kind of. It seems like the women I've sought out for my entire life have been unavailable in one form or another. The longest relationship I've had has been with an emotionally unavailable, highly attractive, scared high school love. Seems like when we were good we were great and when we were bad... well I was prying knives out of her hands or being hurled thru the windsheild of her car. Well, she jerked the wheel of her car into a wall doing forty. I wasn't wearing me seat belt... you know same old story... boy meets girl... boy and girl have sex... boy and girl scar each other for life thru mind/physical games. But that was just the biggest one I've had so far in life. Today I look around with a weary eye. Every woman I deal with is... spoken for... for the time being. You know who you are. Putting names in here would just piss some people off, as much as I'd like to. Anyways....... (cont. 1 week later) It seems like the women in my life are either evolving to the next level of life or devolving into what will most likly end in prostitution and a drug overdose. Un-be-fucking-leave-able. I know that I'm just as guilty as stereotyping as anyone else, so maybe I'll be wrong. In some cases I pray I'm wrong. Okay. Here's an example. I have this girl. Single mom. Morally questionable. Keeps on throwing it at me. Big time. Now I haven't had "sex" in, well, I think there was another president in office. Now being in that kind of... position in life... socity would generally say that I'm hard up and need to fuck the first thing that comes my way. But I don't. I'm secure enough with myself to know that my sex clock does not define me as a man. Who in the broad stroke of socity would question the "manhood" of a tattoo artist. HINT: the word artist generally means sensitive and emotional. You need an example? Look at Van Gogh, Monet, or my favorite, Degas. Anyways, back to the femals in my life making "questionable" decisions. Case in point. The groupie. I have no desire to take this girl for a ride and possiably leave one more person in my wake of destruction (that I'm trying to tame). Not to mention that I could possiably fuck up some kids life or view on adult males. (I'm not talking about you "parking spot") I'm not saying I don't like the attention. Someone flirting with you feels good. My self confidence is boosted. I get a charge out of the give and take. Who doesn't? But that's not the.. "hic-up" I hit. I've made it no secret that I plan on moving back to Las Vegas. I plan on taking one person with me. She knows. We've talked about it. That's it. I'm not looking for a relationship where leaving is on the forefront of thoughts. The girls that are "attracted" to me... don't know me. Have no idea what I'm about. Just like the idea of being with an artist.. tattoo artist at that. I know that has a certin allure. But knowing that a relationship is going to end badly... doesn't that deture one from persueing said relationship? I don't want to hurt anyone.... I don't want to be hurt. Don't get me wrong.. sex is fun.. I think... I mean when I was having it... I had alot of it. Hooooo-lllllllll-eeeeeeee shit. I got stories. I swear. And recreational sex is great.. as long as both parties know that is just what it is. I've gotten attached to quick and I've had girls get attached to quick. But I'm over that shit. I'm at a point where'd I rather be alone for the rest of my life then be in a loveless relationship, where I have to feel guilty or she's feeling guilty. Fuck that. Been down that path. Sucked. Almost killed me. I guess I'm living proff that beggars can be choosers. Ha. Take that stereo typ-N motherfuckers. Is the quest for love dead? Does being alive in this day and age mean that you have to settle in the romance department. I could rattle off things I look for in a relationship, but I'm sure they don't differ to far from your own. Anyways, I guess I just needed a good rant. Does painless pleasure exist... I don't know.... If I was pushed into an answer I'd have say it's just like Alaska..."I've heard good things, but I haven't seen it yet".
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